Happy Birthday

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Ok so my mate thought it’d be funny to spike my drink my birthday when I was 22. We were in a bar in town and he put something in a shot glass and gave it to me,

Now we’re not talking another form of alcohol, I mean prescription drugs.

It was a liquid Viagra. And it bloody worked.

Now I don’t possess a big piece of kit anyway, but when you have suit pants on, you can tell I’m having a good time. But there’s NOTHING you can do about it. It’s horrendous. I couldn’t sleep all night, every time you roll over, boom ,it’s there.  Not to mention the headaches. If you know anything about Biology, the blood has to come from somewhere. and it was like getting stabbed in the eyeballs…with guns and explosions.

At the time my sister lived in town and she text me asking if she could join us for a drink. So I’m stood next to my sister with a massive painful erection while my friends are gesturing blowjob signals behind her head.

Happy Birthday Andrew.

My broken mouth

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Sometimes I have a speech impediment. Which is a really hard word to say if you have one.

It’s kind of going now, I mean I still do it from time to time but it’s pretty much subsided. When I was about 12 it was terrible. After my dad died I didn’t think I spoke for like 2 weeks. I wanted to, I just couldn’t. It’s really hard to explain to someone that doesn’t have one. They’re just like “just talk! Spit it out!”. But you can’t. I used to answer the phone and the person at the end of the line is going “Hello? Hellooooo?” And I’m just stood there making mouth movements and nothing coming out. Then they hang up.

School was the worst part.

The register alone was an impossible task. There are certain letters that are harder to say than others, but I found vowels a bit easier as there’s less mouth movement involved.

So the teacher would say my name and I’d go “errrr Yes Miss” as the E in ‘err’ was easier than the Y in ‘Yes’. Sometimes the “errr” would go on for too long as I’m struggling with the next word so I’d be like “errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” for AGES. It looked so stupid.

Reading stuff out was just a no go too.

However, I did get taught this technique to use while you’re talking and it does actually work.

You stutter because your brain is going too fast for your mouth and you just talk too fast. So if you can slow that down, it’ll become much easier. The trick is to keep a slow beat somewhere on your body, like tap your foot or I dunno softly slap your thigh.

I was Best Man at my friend’s wedding and had to do a speech. Not only was that terrifying, I didn’t have a microphone so I’ve got to do a Best Man Shout essentially. I used this technique, and it worked. I think I did it a bit too much though, as my friend came up to me after and goes “what were doing up there, it looked mental”

I must have looked like I was line dancing or something.

So if you have kids and they acquire a speech impediment, just promise me you won’t finish their sentences for them.

They will want to punch you in your silver tongued mouth.

Kids

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I want to have children, I do. But for completely selfish reasons. I want my genetic material to live on and for there to be another Wardy in the world. But I hate kids.

Babies are fine, they’re like little old people. But toddlers are runny nosed, whingey, and boring.

When they get to about 4 years old, I can handle it. Their stories get better too. Have you ever tried to talk to a 3 year old? Their stories are s**t.

The point of this is because I have a cough, and I got it from one of my friends kids. I won’t say her name, I don’t want her parents to hate me. So I’m holding her (she’s  5 by the way) and she goes “I want to tell you a secret” and grabs my face. She thinks you tell a secret directly into the persons mouth. Then she just accidentally coughs straight into my mouth. Hit me right on the back of the throat.

Now, she’s 5 ok. What secret could she possibly have that I really need to hear. I love her to bits but at 5 years old, nothing she has to say really matters does it. I literally could have missed EVERYTHING this kid has ever said up to this point in time and nothing would be different.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing the things she says, they’re lovely and beautiful (most of the time). But you can’t listen to them all the time, because they’re talking ALL THE TIME. The stuff these children say is the same no matter where you are or what you’re doing. You could be at a funeral and they’d go “I want some Cheese” or something.

They’re self-absorbed.

And I have a cough now, thanks hunny.

My Doctor is a Bitch

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Hitting 30 is not that big of a deal. I mean it’s going to be a bit shitty but only because it’s going to be the point where I realise I’ve wasted the last ten years getting drunk and doing recreational drugs BUT it’s not terrible. The Boston Bombings, the coffee at work and my phone signal at home, that’s terrible.

Reaching 30 is just kind of…’meh’. And I don’t want this to be a stupid post about obviously grim hitting 30 is, most of my friends are already there and they’re fine….alcoholism and adultery aside.

What really pisses me off, and it’s already started to happen and I’m over a year away from it yet, is having to go to the Doctor and her not caring any more.

I hurt my shoulder playing football a few weeks ago and went to the local clinic thing.. (I actually went because of problem a little south of this but I figured I’d bring this up too). And I said “I think I might have pulled something in my shoulder, there anything you can do?”

She goes  “not really, this kind of thing will just happen from now on”

If I was 19 (or had Bupa) she’d reconstruct it out of steel and put lasers on it and stuff but no. This is just going to “happen” from now on. I’m 29! It might just be her, she asks if I smoke every time I go. And I do, but I lie to her. But only because she asks me in such a condescending way, like a Jewish Grandmother. “are you smoking Andrew?” I’m like “NO!?” (dead surprised she’s even accused me of it). Anyway screw her, all the cool kids have Emphysema.

So my shoulder still hurts….she gave me some cream for the other thing.