Kids with phones now blow my mind. They are more comfortable with an ipad than they are with a football, it’s awful. I don’t get how parents let their child say “all the other kids have phones”. Yeah let your child be a better example, just because all the stupid kids have phones don’t think that your kid has to be stupid otherwise he/she’ll feel weird around their mates.

They’re toxic and i think it’s a terrible thing for a child to have. They don’t look at people when they talk to them and don’t build the empathy that a normal human would. I’m sort of glad i’ve got a crap phone at the minute (I broke my new one sliding over a car bonnet thinking I was James Bond……evidentally, I am not).

The thing is you need to be able to build an ability and just not be doing something. That’s what the phones are taking away. The ability to just sit there…. and just look at the sky or people watch or something.

That’s being a person. Right?

Every 20 seconds everone reaches for their phone and gotta “check” whatever they’re thinking is mega important.

The thing is underneath everything, your job, family, friends, everyone has that deep down ’empty, forever empty thing’ No?” Well just humour me for a second.

…ok. But it’s that knowledge that it’s all for nothing and your alone……..? Just me then. Ok whatever but it’s down there. But sometimes when things clear away, you’re not watching anything and your in your car or walking to the shop, say on a Monday morning and you start going “urgh.. here it comes, i’m alone” and it starts to visit on you. This sadness, life can be an incredibly sad experience. So you’re driving or whatever and you panic and reach for the phone and risk crashing your car because you just don’t want to be alone for that second. Because it’s so hard.

I was at home once and i was listening to music, like Buffalo Springfield or something. It’s that ping pongy one at the beginning, and i heard it and i started thinking about some traumatic school depression thing. And it made me REALLY sad. So i’m going “Shit……getting sad, gotta get the phone. So i write ‘Hi’ to like 50 people. Then y’know somebody cool replies back ‘Hi’, then someone not so cool replies and i’m like “meh, do one i’m not gonna reply to you i’m ok now”. But I thought no, just….be sad. Just let it come and stand in the way of it and let it hit you like a truck. And i let it come and started crying,…. like a little girl, it was beautiful. Sort of poetic, you’re lucky to be able to live these kind of moments. But afterward I had a massive rush of endorphines and felt great again. It was a bit of a trip really. I just find it weird how people can’t deal with that tiny bit of sadness, they have to get pissed, or eat Big Macs or whatever. Whatever distracts you. But you’ll never feel completely sad, OR completely happy. You’re just kind of satisfied, ish. And then you die.



That’s why kid’s shouldn’t have phones.




Love/Hate relationship with the Internet

Not written anything for a bit but something has bothered me.

I love discussion, and I love the ability to share my thoughts and opinions with other people. Plus having the feeling of being part of something is somewhat tribalistic. By that I mean it doesn’t really matter what you’re talking about, it’s more about belonging to something. I think that’s why football is so popular.

Any place where people can become communal and come together over specific thing is good for humanity…generally. There are groups of twats too but that’s beside the point.

The down side of this is when you introduce the anonymity of the internet, it perpetuates this more vicious side of this tribalistic behaviour.

I like to be inclusive in everything I do and get as many people to participate in most conversations I have. If a certain person has a passion for something I don’t quite get, that’s still cool as at least they are interested in it enough to be able to have a conversation about it. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been called a nerd or whatever purely because I can talk about something rather than acting all cool and pretending to hate everything. It’s mega stupid.

But introduce the internet and people get so mental if you say a you like something and they don’t. Someone once aimed “F*** off! You F******!” at me on twitter because I said I liked Game of Thrones. Ridiculous. Now I don’t mind that as most people will think of something to say back and that will be the end of it.

You wouldn’t think there were Geek Hooligans about. Instead of beating the shit out of you, they just type in CAPS all the time.

I think it’s a really poisonous element of social media. You hear it in the news how someone has threatened a celebrity by typing the absolute worst things you can imagine. Suppose you have to give them some credit for managing to fit something so horrifying into 140 characters. That’s quite an achievement of literary tw@tness.

I find it cowardly and horrible that you can sit practically anywhere on the planet and just hurl abuse to people and there be no repercussions. And a lot of it is the most racist, convoluted verbal diarrhea you’ll ever see.

But i love discussion in any form, be it round a table in the pub or on an internet forum or whatever.

I just wished people as a whole would at least try to understand something first, before totally flying off the handle and threatening to stab your dog or something. It’s mental. There’s been a couple of instances of cyber-bullying that has resulted in some serious consequences and that’s really sad.

I like to think that anyone that may read this will have a brains and maturity not to abuse that anonymity that comes with social media. I may be wrong, if so tell me what a wuss I am for writing this.

You can reach me at



I hate travelling. I like being in a different places and seeing things I have never seen. But I hate getting there. It’s boring, and uncomfortable, and I always need to poop as soon as we leave.

I can’t remember the exact year, I’m gonna say 2007. But my mate Rob and I hired a van and drove down to Newquay to do some surfing and stuff. But for some stupid reason, instead of getting a hotel, we put an air bed and two sleeping bags in the back and spent a week sleeping in the back of it.

It was freezing.

Now me and Rob have been drinking buddies since, well forever. And I reckon for 75% of that time we have both been single. And we used to always used to go out and try and talk to girls. And we were terrible at it. I still can’t talk to women. I can’t talk full stop. I just stare at them and try not to trip over anything. I’m terrible at being single, and I’ve been doing it for years. It’s impossible for me to get a girl to like me on a night out. I’m either too drunk, or they’re too drunk, or it’s too loud so I stutter and stammer all over the place because I have to put my mouth right to their ear. Then there’s all this pressure for me to say something witty or complimentary and I just get verbal diarrhea. And pretend I don’t know where the toilets are or something.

Rob’s slightly better at it. But when you ask a girl to come back to yours…and it’s a van. She’s going to think you’re a serial killer.

He managed it anyway and I went in a mood because he got lucky and I didn’t. They even went skinny dipping in the sea in the middle of the night and I had to sit on the beach with his skiddy undies, watching from a distance just in case they drown.

I get back to the van and get in the back. He and his new friend go and get in the front seat and start doing….stuff.

There was even a vent next to my head so I could see his little white bum going up and down, it was horrific.

Apart from this the trip was pretty good. I almost broke my neck in the sea, I bought a brand new camera and dropped it practically as I walked out of the shop, and I think we ended up dancing on a stage at some point (it was the first time I’d had Jaegermeister)

I could write a blog just about the ludicrous things this boy does alone. He once went alone into a field behind his house where a load of wild horses were in the middle of the night and took a picture with his arm around it. I’m pretty sure the horse is smiling too. This holiday was eventful to say the least. And I can’t remember half of it.

I just want a normal holiday, with a normal person.

Not Rapists on Tour 2007.

Happy Birthday



Ok so my mate thought it’d be funny to spike my drink my birthday when I was 22. We were in a bar in town and he put something in a shot glass and gave it to me,

Now we’re not talking another form of alcohol, I mean prescription drugs.

It was a liquid Viagra. And it bloody worked.

Now I don’t possess a big piece of kit anyway, but when you have suit pants on, you can tell I’m having a good time. But there’s NOTHING you can do about it. It’s horrendous. I couldn’t sleep all night, every time you roll over, boom ,it’s there.  Not to mention the headaches. If you know anything about Biology, the blood has to come from somewhere. and it was like getting stabbed in the eyeballs…with guns and explosions.

At the time my sister lived in town and she text me asking if she could join us for a drink. So I’m stood next to my sister with a massive painful erection while my friends are gesturing blowjob signals behind her head.

Happy Birthday Andrew.

My broken mouth


Sometimes I have a speech impediment. Which is a really hard word to say if you have one.

It’s kind of going now, I mean I still do it from time to time but it’s pretty much subsided. When I was about 12 it was terrible. After my dad died I didn’t think I spoke for like 2 weeks. I wanted to, I just couldn’t. It’s really hard to explain to someone that doesn’t have one. They’re just like “just talk! Spit it out!”. But you can’t. I used to answer the phone and the person at the end of the line is going “Hello? Hellooooo?” And I’m just stood there making mouth movements and nothing coming out. Then they hang up.

School was the worst part.

The register alone was an impossible task. There are certain letters that are harder to say than others, but I found vowels a bit easier as there’s less mouth movement involved.

So the teacher would say my name and I’d go “errrr Yes Miss” as the E in ‘err’ was easier than the Y in ‘Yes’. Sometimes the “errr” would go on for too long as I’m struggling with the next word so I’d be like “errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” for AGES. It looked so stupid.

Reading stuff out was just a no go too.

However, I did get taught this technique to use while you’re talking and it does actually work.

You stutter because your brain is going too fast for your mouth and you just talk too fast. So if you can slow that down, it’ll become much easier. The trick is to keep a slow beat somewhere on your body, like tap your foot or I dunno softly slap your thigh.

I was Best Man at my friend’s wedding and had to do a speech. Not only was that terrifying, I didn’t have a microphone so I’ve got to do a Best Man Shout essentially. I used this technique, and it worked. I think I did it a bit too much though, as my friend came up to me after and goes “what were doing up there, it looked mental”

I must have looked like I was line dancing or something.

So if you have kids and they acquire a speech impediment, just promise me you won’t finish their sentences for them.

They will want to punch you in your silver tongued mouth.

I’m never helping anyone ever again.


I just remembered this so I’ve got to write it down as fast as possible so I don’t forget it. Some of my friends that read this will know this story already as it happened like last year.

I used to work at a Pub called The Windmill. It’s a family type place and like most pubs it served food. With that, you get a load of old people going during the day and having their weekly fix of soggy sprouts and mashed potato.

So I’m heading into work and this old lady is trying to get into her husband’s car, and not doing a very good job of it. And she sort of falls out.

I’ve just realised this story is about another person that might be dead now.

Anyway, I’m not the only person around that sees her fall. But there’s like a one second delay before anyone helps her and everyone is just looking at each other. Like a game of Decency Chicken. So I’m hoping someone beats me to it and I can just go “well done mate”.

But no.

So I have to help up an old lady I don’t know and get her into the car. Her husband is still trying to undo his seatbelt. (They were parked in the disabled spot, so he might have been I don’t know, i’m not judging).

So I get my hand underneath her arse, and she’s like a baby deer. She’s been able to stand for 70 years, I don’t know how she’s forgotten how to do it now.

And she goes and urinates on my hand. I’m like “OH MY GOD!”  She goes “ernnngh”…

I thought I was helping an old lady, now I have an old lady. This old lady is in my life for me to deal with.

I managed to get her in the car and her husband is just managing to get to us (it’s been like 2 full minutes), and he secures her in and they drive away without thanking me or anything.

I deserve a f*****g medal.

Instead I just have a story about old lady urine on my hand.



I want to have children, I do. But for completely selfish reasons. I want my genetic material to live on and for there to be another Wardy in the world. But I hate kids.

Babies are fine, they’re like little old people. But toddlers are runny nosed, whingey, and boring.

When they get to about 4 years old, I can handle it. Their stories get better too. Have you ever tried to talk to a 3 year old? Their stories are s**t.

The point of this is because I have a cough, and I got it from one of my friends kids. I won’t say her name, I don’t want her parents to hate me. So I’m holding her (she’s  5 by the way) and she goes “I want to tell you a secret” and grabs my face. She thinks you tell a secret directly into the persons mouth. Then she just accidentally coughs straight into my mouth. Hit me right on the back of the throat.

Now, she’s 5 ok. What secret could she possibly have that I really need to hear. I love her to bits but at 5 years old, nothing she has to say really matters does it. I literally could have missed EVERYTHING this kid has ever said up to this point in time and nothing would be different.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing the things she says, they’re lovely and beautiful (most of the time). But you can’t listen to them all the time, because they’re talking ALL THE TIME. The stuff these children say is the same no matter where you are or what you’re doing. You could be at a funeral and they’d go “I want some Cheese” or something.

They’re self-absorbed.

And I have a cough now, thanks hunny.