I want to have children, I do. But for completely selfish reasons. I want my genetic material to live on and for there to be another Wardy in the world. But I hate kids.

Babies are fine, they’re like little old people. But toddlers are runny nosed, whingey, and boring.

When they get to about 4 years old, I can handle it. Their stories get better too. Have you ever tried to talk to a 3 year old? Their stories are s**t.

The point of this is because I have a cough, and I got it from one of my friends kids. I won’t say her name, I don’t want her parents to hate me. So I’m holding her (she’s  5 by the way) and she goes “I want to tell you a secret” and grabs my face. She thinks you tell a secret directly into the persons mouth. Then she just accidentally coughs straight into my mouth. Hit me right on the back of the throat.

Now, she’s 5 ok. What secret could she possibly have that I really need to hear. I love her to bits but at 5 years old, nothing she has to say really matters does it. I literally could have missed EVERYTHING this kid has ever said up to this point in time and nothing would be different.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing the things she says, they’re lovely and beautiful (most of the time). But you can’t listen to them all the time, because they’re talking ALL THE TIME. The stuff these children say is the same no matter where you are or what you’re doing. You could be at a funeral and they’d go “I want some Cheese” or something.

They’re self-absorbed.

And I have a cough now, thanks hunny.


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